Ten Years

The Guardhouse at the Top of Machu Picchu. (Yeah, I'm posting new pictures one at a time to give my fellow readers something to look forward to.)

As I turned on my computer this morning and fired up my RSS reader, I was surprised to read the news that today was the tenth anniversary of the shootings at Columbine. As the day went on and everyone chatted about their surprise so much time had passed and the discussions about what everyone remembered about that day I had a lot of things flash through my mind I hadn't thought about in years.

I was an eighth grader living in the suburbs of Denver at the time, I was attending middle school on April 20, 1999. I remember the lunch room, and looking up at the clock at 11:20. Later we learned that was the time that the shooters entered the high school, but I was just checking to see how much time I had to finish my Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets. (Yeah, my middle school had fast food, didn't yours?)

That afternoon I was sitting in English. The principal came to the classroom door and murmured something to my teacher Ms Byrne (Known for her tough classes, short skirts, and love of the Denver Broncos. She would give you an A regardless of your performance if you got her something signed by a member of the team.) It was a warm spring day and she had her outside door open. She slammed it shut, locked it, and sat down at her desk looking shaken.

The rest of the day I remember in bits and pieces. I remember sitting on the bus staring out at the pond by my house wondering exactly what this would mean for me. I remember my mother's face and her nearly painful hug as I walked in from school. I remember I was wearing overalls with chapstick in the front pocket. (Yeah, and I'm sure they were sexy too.) I remember friends and relatives calling in from around the country to make sure that we were all okay.

What I remember most, and what has had the greatest impact, is what happened next. My school went under lockdown for the rest of the school year. Armed policemen (with big guns I remember) stood at the entrances and if you entered the school during school hours you had to ring a doorbell and the policemen got to scrutinize you, even if you were just coming in from a run with the rest of your gym class. I remember schools closing at a moment's notice due to bomb threats, things that were no longer stupid jokes by seniors. I remember walking the grounds at Columbine, visiting the grassy hills I had seen students fleeing from on television days earlier. We brought white flowers, and I got to see my childhood hero, Stone Phillips. I vividly remember the school sign's message, "GO BAND".

Mostly though, I remember the fear. School was always a safe place, though at times it could be scary if you had done something wrong or had a verbal report to present, but it was never dangerous. I had never had to worry about my fellow students or anything so raw as guns and bombs. School was not safe, life was not safe; a difficult concept for a thirteen-year-old to process.

I learned a lot of lessons in the aftermath of that Spring day. It was my first real interaction with mortality and the reality of life, something that I have since become intimately familiar with. There was a lot of speculation that the boys were angry because of their music, their video games, their movies, their parents, their bullies; and I understand the need to find a cause and fix the catalyst that would cause two children to mercilessly kill their classmates; but there is no way to comprehend some things that happen in our lives. They are senseless, mind-blowing, life-changing, and we must have faith that somehow there is a plan for all of us and that we don't need to have all of the answers, because someone else does.


My blog posts have all been quite heavy as of late... I suppose it's because I'm down and working through some stuff. I'll try and post some more uplifting things soonish.

The Sacred Valley

Me at the Sacred Valley of the Incas.

Last month we commemorated the year anniversary of the passing of my sister Jocie. It was a sad day, but mostly it was happy. As with most of these events, the anticipation is usually much worse than the day itself; I dealt with most of my demons earlier in the week. It was happy because my family made it to the one year mark, changed people, but we made it. I found the aftermath of "Jocie's accident" as my mother calls it, strange and hollow initially but now that's come to be normal. It's become normal to have an even boy/girl ratio in my family, normal to watch my parents cry, normal to have a nagging feeling when we're together that someone isn't there. Because she isn't. But even that is becoming normal. A depressing normal, but one that we need to come to terms with nonetheless.

I feel obligated in some ways to talk about these things because it's good for me, but also because I know that there are people out there suffering with loss in all of its forms; whether it's loss of a sister, friend, pet, or just a lost dream; regardless I think that the only way to get through these unthinkably difficult times is to reach out to our friends and family and to let them help shoulder the burden when we have become broken under its weight.

Unbelievably, not all that has come out of this accident is sorrowful. Most notably, my relationship with my sister Dione has changed in ways I never would have imagined before. We've always been like oil and water, as different in personalities as we are in looks, though most wouldn't realize it because we act the same in public. Now we have no choice, we have to make it work. I was sick a couple of weeks ago and Bob was out of town; Dione heard from my mother and dropped everything, driving through a blinding snowstorm to sit up the night with me before leaving early the next morning to make it to her classes. I know that we loved each other before, but I don't think that either of us would have made such a sacrifice, such a gesture. Now we appreciate our relationship; we've both lost a sister.

We've had one hell of a year, but we're still here. The relationships that weathered the storm are stronger now than ever. We are more honest, less willing to play games, and we end our conversations with "I love you." You never know when you're not going to be able to say it again.

I still have days where I can't breathe because I miss her so much, but those are spreading further and further apart, and mostly I just think about how great she was and how much I miss having her around. I don't think that I will ever stop missing her, or mourning her. I don't think there's any way to "return to normal," but there is a way to move forward. I also don't think I'll ever fully resolve the 'why' of such a senseless tradgedy, at least not in this life. But I've come to terms with that, most days anyway.

If you're ever struggling with loss or grief or know someone who is and would like to help them, I'd love to be there for you like so many people were for me. I'd love to earn the mitzvah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Once again it is October 21, and my birthday! To commemorate my twenty-three years on this earth, I put together some pictures of myself for your enjoyment.
This is one of the oldest pictures I have of myself courtesy of my first digital camera which I got for my nineteenth birthday, Fall 2004. I used to love taking pictures of myself late at night and then photoshopping them. This picture, however, us untouched.

Here is one of my favorite engagement pictures, and the photo that was in the center of our announcement, Spring 2005. See how happy I look?!

My bridal pictures, Summer 2005. I was told to spin. When I concentrate I tend to stick out my tongue. I guess spinning in a dress and train is pretty difficult stuff!

Skiing at Beaver Mountain, Winter 2005. Look how awesome that powder looks in the background! The sun is very shiny, that's why my eyes are shut, I have a hard time with shiny.

Summer 2006 we went to nearly all of the national parks/state parks in Utah and several surrounding states. This is a hike in one of those parks, don't ask me which. I believe the gray mass behind me was a 'salt upheaval.'

This is me graduating from college, Spring 2007! That hat was seriously bugging.

Here I am at a Vietnamese optometrist getting fit for ridiculously cheap 'Gucci' glasses, Summer 2007. This is how they determined my prescription. Do you see how shiny I am? It was so hot and humid there, and no air-con anywhere!

This is me at Hamilton's restaurant a couple of weeks ago, Fall 2008. I'm telling my dad how to operate my camera, don't I look lovely?

Thank you for that trip through memory lane, and I hope this next year brings new and wonderful things. And if you see me today, you should sing me a song.

Fawsonberger Candy Tournament 2008 - Round 5, Final Round

Note: Read the archives for the first four rounds of this tournament. Start here.

About this time we realized that the sweater that Sammi had been wearing all night was covered in her own urine, and that Bob had been cuddling with her for an hour and hadn't noticed. Perhaps it was the candy talking, but I found that fact hilarious.  

We had travelled long and hard and been ridiculed by grocery store employees, we had skipped dinner and meaningful sustenance, we had endured heart-ache and stomachache all for this moment, the final two competitors!

Skor vs. Starburst - We slowly savored these last two bits of candy, recognizing that they would be the last in what had become a long journey.  As was to be expected, I voted for Starburst and Jamey voted for Skor.  Tiebreaker went to Dave.  We asked Bob was his vote would be, as a matter of curiosity, and he said Skor.  Dave pondered his decision for a long time.  A really long time, Grant was tired and kept going to the door, trying to unlock it, and saying, "Outside!" Eventually, he decided on Starburst.

Ta Da!  We did it!  We are incredible!

Here I am, considering the near impossible choice of the final two candies.

In the aftermath of the tournament the four of us seem stunned that Starbursts could have won. It was highly unpredictable, and I think that says that we performed our duties as unbiasedly as would could.  I highly recommend you to gather up a group of three to five people and create your own candy tournament, though expect craziness to occur and you to leave considerably heavier than when you began!!!  Thanks for sticking with me through this life-changing journey.

Fawsonberger Candy Tournament 2008 - Round 4

Note: Read Round 1, Round 2, and Round 3 before reading this round.

We're down to the final four candies, Caramello, Skor, Gummy Worms, and Starburst. Interestingly enough, no matter who wins in these rounds we were going to end up with a chocolate candy fighting a non-chocolate candy.  Also, Grant started freaking out so we turned on the movie WALL-E for him, which he loved and kept he and Bob occupied for the rest of the night.

Caramello vs. Skor - As always, I voted against the Skor bar for the lovely creamy Caramello bar, and Jamey voted for it.  Dave was the tie-breaker and after much consideration, he voted for the Skor bar.  Incredibly, the Skor bar has made it into the final two without my ever having voted for it!

Gummy Worms vs. Starburst - These were both delicious candies.  I ate half of my Starburst, and dropped the other half accidentally in my glass of water!  (Which was approximately my seventh glass of water as my body attempted to digest unholy amounts of sugar.)  I voted for the Starburst and Jamey voted for the Gummy Worms.  The tie-breaker went to Bob this time and though Gummy Worms are one of his all time favorite candies, he voted for Starburst.  We have our final two!

Bob and Grant eating loser candies and watching WALL-E together.  Also note that Sammi, on Bob's lap, is wearing a sweater.

This is Jamey feeling quite sick as we approach the final four.

Fawsonberger Candy Tournament 2008 - Round 2

Note:  If you have yet to read the blog post before about the first round of the candy tournament, please start there for clarity's sake. 

Between rounds one and two, we attempted to start a game of Risk.  But Grant was having none of it and threw all the pieces around like only a nearly-two-year-old can.  So after a little bit of playing and a lot of cleaning, we dove straight into round two!

Milk Duds vs. York - This was a tough competition, but York came up triumphantly!

Caramello vs. Peanut M&M's - Caramello was delicious.  We were both big fans of the caramelly goodness of this chocolate treat.  Onward you go!

Snickers vs. Skor - Once again I voted against Skor and Jamey voted for it (Seeing a trend yet?), in tie-breaker Dave was in love with the buttery-chocolatey deliciousness of the Skor bar.

KitKat vs. Nibs - How could KitKat, with it's chocolate and wafer, stand a chance against the delicious bite-sized amazingness of the red licorice Nibs?  It couldn't and it didn't.

Whatchamacallit vs. Peanut Butter M&M's - Whatchamacallit?  You are so delicious and a surprising contender in this battle.  See ya later PBMMs!

Gummy Worms vs. Mr. Goodbar - We all know that Mr. Goodbar made it into the second round only by a fluke and it did not fare well against the Gummy Worms.

Almond Joy vs. Starburst - Oh Almond Joy, you're incredible!  However in this instance, Starbursts were the champions.

Charleston Chew vs. Junior Mint - Tiebreaker needed for this round as well!  Junior Mint was decided to be the winner as the tiebreaker declared that "Charleston Chews are gross."

The second round contenders are piled neatly in pairs (Thanks to Dave and his OCD!), while the losers are heaped behind in a pile of sadness and destruction.  Also note the hopeful yet naive placement of the Risk board.

Here is Jamey, recording the results of the second round of competition for posterity and for blog-erity.

What will happen in Round 3??? Stay tuned to find out.

The Many Faces of.....DEAN GARLICK

If you haven't heard my dad's patented answering machine greeting  call him or call me up and we'll be happy to give you a demonstration. 

The Garlick family was out for the first annual Jiggy Day Celebration.  (A day in which you give in to all of your material desires, dress like fools (e.g. checkered tights), give away ridiculous presents, and enjoy yourself.  Catch it next October 8th!)  I asked my dad to pose for the camera without using his classic 'smile.'

"Smile for the camera, dahling!"

"Serious!  Now let's see serious."

"Angry face!  Oh, that's fierce."

Ah, cheap thrills.  Hamilton's restaurant, October 8, 2008.

Bobalicious!

Bob has been in the Philippines on business for the last 2-3 weeks, and he's getting home tonight! There are a lot of reasons that I'm excited for him to come home, but here are are few:

1. I'm tired of taking care of the yard things like mowing the lawn and deciphering the aged sprinkling system.

2. Maggie and Sammi get off their game when he's gone waking up many times in the night to protect me with their ferocious barking.

3. The house gets spooky when it's just me and two edgy dogs.

4. No one's around to give me a back rub or cuddle with me!

5. I miss his classic Bobisms and hilarious songs.


I heart Bobby! Watch for him flying in a sky near you.

No Paranthesis

Brighton, Top o' Millicent Lift, February 2008.  We got dirty looks from lifties for this picture.

since feeling is first

who pays any attention to the syntax of things

while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,

and kisses are a far better fate

than wisdom

lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry

--the best gesture of my brain is less than 

your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then

laugh, leaning back in my arms

for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

--e e cummings

Celebration, Jiggy Style

This past weekend I gathered, along with many friends, family, and relative strangers; to celebrate the life of my sister, Jocie Garlick, and the birth of a memorial on top of Beaver Mountain.  I haven't written a lot about what happened to my family six months ago, in part because this is a very public forum for such personal details, but mostly because I don't think that I am ready to.  The emotions are still too raw to internalize and then spit out in the manner I usually employ for my writings.  I think about writing about it, about her, about the aftermath, all the time; I suppose that's good enough for now.

During the program, Jocie's closest friends let go of 99 (give or take, I heard a lot of popping noises) red balloons.  I didn't get to see much of this part of the program, as in the moment this picture was taken, Dione and I started performing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' (With both of us singing and I on guitar, brave I know.).  I had given my camera to Heady, Bob's sister, and she took this, as well as many other incredible pictures.  I just love the look on these girls' faces.  It makes me cry and smile at the same time.

I also include this self-portrait of Heather 'Heady' Fawson.  A word for the wise, if you want lovely pictures taken while you're busy, give your camera to Heather.  But beware, it will come back with several self-portraits, and undoubtably, a picture of Jayme Champlin in there too.  (I think this is the corner of her head here.  That blonde bit right by the sky there.)

9/11

I would have to echo the sentiments of several other blogs I recently read about 9/11 and the shock that seven years have slipped past. I remember sitting in early morning seminary and turning on the tv when only one plane had hit and then watching, mainly in confusion, as a second plane wrapped around to hit the second tower. I remember sitting in Soffe's class first hour and watching him sit on the table in the front of the room, Birkenstocked-feet dangling, crying. I remember not understanding how to feel or what impact this would really have on my 15-year-old high school world.

Bob and I were in New York last week and we went to the 9/11 memorial museum next to Ground Zero. If you're ever in the Big Apple, I would reccomend stopping by, it was an incredibly powerful place. They had giant beams from the towers, twisted like garbage bag ties from the heat and the pressure. There were cases full of things found at in the wreckage, like a menu from the bar on the top floor, two guns melted together, a laptop bag mostly intact from a floor above 100, and a battered fireman's helmet. What struck me the most, however, was a giant wall filled entirely with missing posters. All were handmade, with snapshots from some birthday party or recent vacation, and filled with details that betrayed the emotions of those searching. Answers to the nickname of Teddy; beautiful blue/green eyes; wearing a charcoal tailored pantsuit; if found please call one of these five numbers. It made me sick to my stomach and I stood there in an unfamiliar city standing next to the man I love, feeling the pain of the city, and wondering what it felt like to be there when it was in mourning.


As we left, Bob whispered to me, "After seeing all of this, I want to go bomb some terrorists." So did I, Bobby. So did I.

Geegs

After Jocie passed away, my parents made Dione and I promise many, many things to them, but one of them at least we have kept; Dione and I have talked to each other, on the phone or in person, every day since. (83 days, I just counted them.) Some people would think that this would get old, some would think that it would be annoying, some would think it would be easy to forget; and on all of these points, these genius people would be right. But I've really enjoyed these conversations, tedious as they can be, frustrating as it is to wake up to talk to you sister, accommodating her busy social schedule. I've learned a lot about her, and I've been able to open up to her in a way I haven't for years.

So today, as she leaves the realm of teenager-dom and enters the world of twenty-somethings, I think that I'm more qualified then ever to wish her Happy Birthday. And many mooooooore!!!!!

Oh, and also: iPhone.

Note: Dione is laughing in this picture, not crying. And she is laughing because after gorging herself at a fancy buffet, she is getting the 'meat sweats.' A terrible medical condition, donate now to find a cure.

Joyeux Anniversaire!!!

Today marks the three years since I married Robert Matthew Fawson, affectionately known as Bob. It seems simultaneously much longer and much shorter than three years, so I suppose three years is about right.

It seems that Bob and I have been living/loving together and getting on each other's nerves for much longer than three years. I seems strange to think of a time when I came home to anything else but our small family of two humans and two dogs.

At the same time, three years has gone by quite quickly. A lot has happened, we now have four college degrees (alright, three of them are Bob's), own a house, have been parents to three dogs (though never more than two at once) and have grown a lot. We've gone through heart-ache, traveled the world, dealt with depression and insecurities. We've hiked, biked, rock-climbed, canoed, camped, back-packed, snow-shoed, skiied, sledded, swam, flown, been on more than one "Death March," bought a car on Ebay, road-tripped, learned to cook, and learned how to tease each other with efficacy.


Love you, Bobby.